So, the story goes that back in the early seventies Cub Koda, the lead vocalist and guitar player for Brownsville Station, wandered into the Orbit Room cocktail lounge at the Brentwood Lanes bowling alley in Detroit and witnessed one of the worst musical performances he had ever seen. In the liner notes of this album Koda describes the experience this way; "Lame out of tune vocals delivered with third rate Elvis imitator enthusiasm...horrid two and three note guitar and sax solos...flagrant disregard for tempo or even remotely keeping their instruments in tune...every song in their repertoire being played in same monotonous key of E natural." Ladies and Gentlemen we bring you, King Uszniewicz And The Uszniewicztones.
King Ernie Uszniewicz (pronounced, You-Sneb-Bitch) was a Detroit vocalist and tenor saxophonist who trolled the Detroit bar band scene back in the seventies. Ernie and his band, the Uszniewicztones (U-Tones for short), landed a five night a week gig at the Orbit Room where their auspicious meeting with Cub Koda resulted in a recording deal with his own 1-Shot record label.
They released a single (Surfin' School/Cry On My Shoulder) and recorded three albums (all produced by Cub himself) before it all fell apart at the end of the decade.
Teenage Dance Party is their first and perhaps best (worst?) album. King U and his right hand man, guitarist Logjam Lurch Patterson, lead the way as the band bludgeons its way through golden oldies like" Little Latin Lupe Lu", "Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow" and "Greenback Dollar". Highlights include covers of The Novas' "The Crusher" and The Broadside Brass Bed Band's ridiculous, "Little Dead Surfer Girl". Drunk, out of tune, out of control and fun best describes the contents of this album.
Koda lost track of the band in 1979. Their gig at the Orbit Room ended when the bowling alley burned down and Ernie reportedly quit his day job (wrapping produce at a motor city IGA) and left town.
Was there really a band called King Uszniewicz & The Uszniewicztines? Some say it was all a hoax, perpetuated by Cub Koda himself and that Ernie and the U-Tones never really existed. Koda died in 2000, so we may never really know. I like to think they were a real Detroit area bowling alley band. And I like to think they're still out there somewhere. Maybe Ernie split to Florida and is playing nursing homes and senior centers. Just enjoying the good life. Now that's a nice thought.
You can listen to the U-Tones blistering version of "The Crusher" HERE
